The Longest Road I've Ever Taken

Heartbeats

2011-10-14T12:56:00.002-07:00

Heartbeats

I’ll just say it. I was a bitch to my mother growing up. I was as stubborn as her; and we fought with each other every step of the way. From what clothes to wear, to whether or not I should go to college, there was a never ending battle. But I think that’s what made our adult relationship much stronger. I spent many years doubting her, and as an adult, I had come to the realization that my mother was always right, and would never steer me in the wrong direction.

After I had my dream wedding on January 6, 2007 at just 21 years old, I just knew my life would be completely different. I turned into a true grown up. There was the upkeep on the house, the dinners I cooked for my husband, and knowing that I truly made my own decisions.

My mother and I were on the phone one June evening that year. “My back hurts so bad,” my mom confessed, “I can hardly move my arm because of it.” I was confused. This is a woman who never complained about being sick or hurt in her life that I knew her. I suggested she go to Dr. Baker, and to get to the bottom of this pain. She agreed, but right before my eyes, my mother was changing.

In July I had a funny feeling. Being with the kids at my work was feeling so right. My boss walked up to me on this certain day and proclaimed that she had finished her period. I was thrown off. We usually have the same cycle. Was I pregnant? My husband and I weren’t trying at the time, yet we definitely weren’t doing much to avoid it either. After my work shift, I dove to my grocery store, bought a pregnancy test and went home. I quickly read through the directions, opened the package and prepared to pee on the stick. I counted to 5 in my head as instructed, and looked at the test. Woah! Two lines already?! Wait a minute, I’M PREGNANT! What an amazing feeling, knowing there was a little baby growing inside me. I told anyone who would listen. I was going to have a March baby.

After about a week since my news, my mom shared with me that her doctor diagnosed her pain as a pinched nerve in her back. Never doubting doctors before, we all accepted this and tried to move on. She was prescribed pain killers for her back in the hope that she would get some relief.

But the pain did not go away. Stronger the medications got, and still my mother was struggling sleeping, stepping into the shower, and moving around. At this time, I realized how humbling this experience was for our relationship. This woman took care of me my entire life, and now I got to return the favor. I’d lay in bed next to my older mother, softly touching her arm until she drifted off to sleep.

“Maria, Mom’s face doesn’t look right,” Dad explained to me on a September evening over the phone, “Her entire right side is puffy. What do you think is wrong?” Why did Dad ask me? Was it because I took a human anatomy course? Because I lived the closest? Regardless, I had to answer. “Sounds like it might be a stroke, I’ll be right over.”

I walked into my parent’s house and they were arguing, like they always did. Mom tried to convince Dad that she didn’t need to go to the doctor; that she would be better. I slowly poked my head into the kitchen where they were and made myself known. Mom sat at the kitchen table and all I saw was her face. Dad was right, her right side was very swollen…the eye, the cheek, it was remarkable. It was as though my mother’s face was melting on one side. “Ria, what do you think?” I couldn’t answer to my mother; I just looked at my dad. “Dad, why don’t you call the ER down the street and tell them what is happening with her face, and whether we should be concerned?” At this point, my father dialed the phone and went in another room to talk. I heated up some chicken noodle soup for my mom and placed it in two bowls and I sat down with her to eat. Obviously depressed, she struggled to eat and make conversation as dad was still on the phone.

After a few minutes, she broke the silence. She took one more spoonful of soup, put the spoon in the bowl, sighed, and said with tears in her eyes, “I think I’m dying!”

I said the only thing I could think of as I jumped up to give her a hug, “No you’re not! We’re just going to take you to the hospital to make sure everything is okay! You’ll be fine!”

She spent a few hours at the hospital. She went through triage, had chest x-rays, and answered questions. “You better do a good job, because my daughter is having my first grandchild in your hospital in March,” she joked with the ER nurses.

She was sent home being told she is just stressed and that she needed rest, and she agreed.

On October 15, my mother decided it was time to quit smoking for the sake of her soon to arrive grandchild. On October 16, she was diagnosed with lung cancer.

There is no screening process for lung cancer. They have found that any type of regular screening was more of a burden than a benefit. So usually, when someone is diagnosed with lung cancer, it has probably been in them for a while. For my mother, according to her oncologist, she probably had the cancer since December 2006.

After I got news of my mother’s diagnosis, my head had never pounded so much. As I was sprawled out on my couch, my mother-in-law, who had rushed over to my house to be with me, comes over and rewets the cloth and placed it back on my head. “Are you sure you want to go?” I had never felt so compelled to be at work than today; after all, my mother was just diagnosed with lung cancer.

My mother-in-law drove me the 22 minutes to work. I walked into my work, The Little Gym, and I am greeted by sad faces and hugs. My boss, who has always been a mentor to me, asked, “Are you sure you want to teach?” “Yes, Holly, I really need this right now. I need something normal in my life.” She nodded in agreement and let me prepare.

For over three years at that time, The Little Gym had been my second family so much that I just drifted there on my saddest day. I called my class, which consisted of 19 months to 2 ½ year olds which we call “Beasts” and their parents into the gym at 6:30 that Tuesday evening with my eyes so foggy from crying all day.

If there is anything that The Little Gym teaches the children who attend, it’s the confidence to do anything, and their instructors also reap the benefits sometimes too. I had dug deep down to be confident enough to walk in the gym that day and teach a parent/child interactive class.

The kids in the class didn’t care if I had a bad day, they were just happy to see me. As I continued for the next 45 minutes sharing with the parents how to spot their children on the beam and bars, letting them in on the emotional, social and other benefits of doing these activities, and singing a mouthful of jingles, I noticed I wasn’t thinking about Mom as much. I smiled for the first time that day.

The next day, before we headed to the hospital, Adam and I stopped by Mom’s house to grab a few things: Mom’s pajamas, her IPod, and her Tickle-me-Elmo…check, check and check.

Once we arrived at the Chandler Hospital, I stepped out of our car and into the crisp October morning. We walked into the main entrance, and get our visitor passes. The nice woman at the front directed us how to get to Mom’s room. Adam pointed out the coffee vendor and mentioned that we should stop there on our way out.

We walked towards the elevator in front of us and my hands trembled as I pushed the “up” button. After we went up 3 floors we stepped out and walked down the curved, beige hall and approached room 302. On her door, was a red sign that said “Fall Risk”.

There I saw mom, in her bed, obviously a little delusional. Dad sat in the chair next to her, watching TV. There was a whiteboard with the names of Mom’s doctor and nurses for the morning shift right next to the door. I tried my best to hold back the tears and to not think about how weak my once strong mother was.

I put her Tickle-me-Elmo on her bed tray and pressed his right foot. Elmo proceeded to start giggling, slapping his knee, and rolling on the table. Mom smiled.

We chit-chatted and she pointed out the sink by the door at let me know how all the nurses and doctors are supposed to wash their hands there before they treat her. It was nice to know she was well taken care of. A nurse walked in and started adjusting her medication machine. My mom, in her morphine induced state, introduced me to her. “This is my daughter…she’s due in March.” And then Mom cried.

She had a non small cell Adenocarcinoma and it was at Stage IV. As this was all happening, I rushed onto the American Cancer Society’s website and found out that patients with this type of cancer have a 1% 5 year survival rate. It was in her right lung. They started her on daily radiation and weekly chemotherapy. I worked very hard to lift my mother's spirits by reminding her about being a grandmother soon.

Unbelievably, the tumor in her lung was 6 centimeters in diameter. Her doctors worked very hard to ensure that the cancer wouldn’t spread. I knew we were finally in good hands when my mother’s oncologist, known as the “murderer of cancers”, proclaimed that he didn’t see an expiration date on the bottom of her foot, and that statistics are not what he solely considered.

Unfortunately, it was already in her spine and her hip. When a cancer does metastasize, or spreads throughout the body, survival rate drops much lower. (How much lower can 1% go?)

My mother’s life changed dramatically after that diagnosis. Her body was slowly being taken over by the cancer. She acquired a soft and squeaky Minnie Mouse voice. She was on so many pills to counteract the chemotherapy. Anti-nausea pills, pain pills (she had two different types of morphine medications), and even Melatonin, a pharmaceutical type of THC (something found in pot) to increase her hunger. She laughed and cried out, “I’m gonna be a pot head!” It was nice to see that she even found the humor in her cancer.

About a week since my mother’s diagnosis, I received a call from my OB/GYN in regards to my recent blood work I just had done. Even then, I knew there was something wrong. He explained to me on the phone that my AFP level was low, and they couldn’t rule out Down’s syndrome in my baby. He suggested a Level 2 ultra sound. The next day, his nurse from the office called me and said that if I was available, they had an appointment for me at a genetics office today. I confirmed and Adam and I drove into Tempe.

After an intense interview with the geneticist, I was still a little unsure of what to expect at the ultrasound. I climbed into the lonely chair, laid back, and exposed my stomach. The technician asked us the typical protocol questions and we answered. No, we didn’t want to know the sex of the baby, yes we brought a blank DVD to record the ultrasound, yes I did drink and smoke at the beginning when I didn’t know I was pregnant.

She squirted the gel on my stomach and it is magically transformed into the gateway that connected us to our baby. I looked into the tell-all monitor. Why wasn’t he moving? The technician’s smile escaped her face. “I can’t see a bladder or kidney…” After carrying this baby for 20 weeks, my mother’s intuition kicked in. I knew there wasn’t a happy ending for this.

She grabbed the tissue box and handed it off to me as if to give me a hug in some other way. “You’re drinking and smoking had NOTHING to do with this.” She answered the question that I asked in my mind only. She emotionally excused herself, and shut the door. All I could do was hold Adam’s hand and tried to burn a hole through the stubborn door with my eyes as to see through it. The doctor, who had such a serious face, walked in and explained why my baby was going to die. I couldn’t even look at him. Instead, I was distracted by the sink. There was nothing special about the sink. It was just there in the corner, like an eraser for these doctors and technicians to wash away all the pain they had bestowed upon me. But this sink for a minute kept me from looking at my husband and crying. He finished and it was final. My baby would die of a heart attack…and soon.

Driving home from the ultrasound was a hectic ride. We were busy calling our parents, our bosses; anyone that we felt needed to know that our little baby would not be one of this world. Adam asked me where I want to go, and I can only think of one place. Mom and Dad’s.

My heart was beating in the pit of my stomach as we pulled up to the place my parents called home for the last ten years. Before we even put the car in park I looked towards the door and my frail, cancer ridden mother briskly stepped out towards her eldest daughter. Only 5’2’’, like me, she had seemed to have lost a little weight from the chemo.

Her feet were in the old flip flops she’s worn a bit too long, scooting along the concrete as she tried to keep them on. Her arms, as soft as my bed’s bamboo sheets, were extended out awaiting my body’s arrival to sooth me into comfort. And then there was her face; oh my God, her face. With the gold hoop earrings she’d worn since I remembered. And that scar on her face that she still refused to tell me how she got. As I approached her, I looked into those big bifocals which made her sad eyes and tears look even more depressed. This proud, petite Italian woman had let her guard down for me. She pulled me quickly into the house and grabbed a statue of Mary from the kitchen table. “She says it’s okay, you’ll have more later on.” And even though Mom was trying to make me feel better, I was offended. Why not now? At this point I had started an online blog to let everyone know what was going on instead of answering the same questions over and over.

We had two choices about what to do about our baby: we could have a medical abortion or wait for him to pass, be induced and deliver. As a part of a strong Catholic family, we chose the latter. We scheduled weekly visits with my OB/GYN to check the heart beat. It didn’t take long.

Friday, November 2, 2007; 4:55pm

He's gone...

I knew the answer. I told him it was ok to let go. We listened for the heartbeat, there was none. Checked for heart activity on the ultrasound, there was none. I will be induced and deliver on Monday.

I checked into the hospital on Monday, and got settled in my room. Much to my surprise, as I obviously had no expertise in this area, it was taking longer than just a day. All our family visited throughout the next two days. I pushed my mother around the maternity ward in the hospital’s wheelchair to try to get some contractions. (They knew she had cancer and was a fall risk, so they made her use a wheel chair).

The first night, the nurses insisted I take an Ambien, which is a pill that would help me sleep. I hesitantly agreed. Now, with this medication, it made me a little… different. Through my vague memory and my family’s experience from that night, the Ambien made me very silly. After winning a hand of the card game 500, I sang the theme song to the musical Oklahoma! and passed out.

On Tuesday night, my OB/GYN switched me to a much stronger medication to induce labor. The side effects, which are flu-like symptoms, were so horrendous that I didn’t sleep all night. There were chills, a fever, throwing up, instant diarrhea, and the confusion.

Wednesday morning I felt the need to push. Right away everything fell in place. My OB/GYN was already at the hospital, visiting another woman. My mother and mother-in-law were both at my side. And my husband, I felt his strength in him holding my hand the entire time.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007; 9:36pm

Aryn J Hanson

These last 3 days have felt like a blur. Probably due to everything emotionally, and the medicine. It was a lot of work. First, we used something to get me to get contractions. By evening of the 2nd night, I started getting little ones. Around 1am today I was switched to a more aggressive medicine. I contracted for the next 9 hours. At 10:08, I delivered Aryn. 9 1/2 inches tall 290 grams. So beautiful. 10 fingers, 10 toes. Aryn had Adam's lips. The hospital was wonderful. They were very caring, and thoughtful, and went out of their way to make me and my family comfortable. They put this picture of the leaf and tear drop on my door so all doctors and nurses knew what was going on. Our parents contacted the Queen of Heaven mortuary for us.

Delivering Aryn was so hard. I chose to not do an epidural, (I have this horrible fear of needles anywhere near my spine) and used other medications to ease the pain. My body hurts all over, and to top it off, my heart aches. I begged to be released that day. I did not want to stay where other moms were enjoying the delivery of their babies. Maybe I was jealous, or angry, or just too sad. Either way, I'm glad to be home.

"The distance between joy and sorrow can be measured by a heartbeat."

It was over, and we were moving forward. We scheduled a funeral for Aryn on Wednesday, November 14^th.

I woke up from the obnoxious ring tone of my husband’s cell phone at 4 am early Monday morning, November 12^th. I pushed Adam and he grudgingly got out of bed and stumbled to his phone. He was muttering. The phone call only took about a minute. My brain was on this disillusioned high of melatonin in my body. Half awake…half asleep. Adam closed his phone and took in a huge breath.

“Your mom is not doing well and there is an ambulance at the house that will take her to the hospital.”

Without knowing how I got there, I was standing next to my bed looking at the blurred image of my husband. Finding my glasses was not top priority at the time.

“What do you mean, not doing well?”

At this point, I heard the ambulance siren getting farther away. It’s times like these that you regret you and your husband living only 2 minutes from your parents.

“Oh my God! That’s the ambulance taking Mommy away! I can’t do this! That’s my mommy! Where's Rebecca and Michael?”

“At home.”

“Well, we gotta go there!”

We arrived at my parent’s house, reluctantly greeted by my younger brother and sister. It was at this moment I realized Adam and I are in our pajamas still. My hair is in the sloppiest of pony tails. I wiped a crust from my eye and I asked them what happened. Rebecca starts explaining.

“Dad went to check on Mom a little bit ago. She was really gargling in her sleep. Daddy called the ambulance and told Mom she was going to the hospital.”

“What did Mom say?”

“She said, ‘Okay, Sweetie, where are my glasses?’”

I decided that the hospital is where we should all be. We piled into my Hyundai and drove the ten agonizing minutes to the hospital.

Hours go by. As the morning horizon is covered in sunlight, my head begins to feel dizzy. The doctor finally allowed us to see our mother. As we opened the cold curtain I tell myself that Michael and Rebecca needed me to be strong and I walked in.

I couldn’t believe it. There she was, connected to tubes and monitors, and still it didn’t feel like her. At that point, I couldn’t feel my legs and I collapsed into a chair.

They explained that she had gotten pneumonia in her good lung and was going on a breathing machine. They were going to move her up to the ICU. Suddenly, this became our norm in our family.

It was a hectic day. Adam and I didn’t waste any time going to the ICU to visit Mom. Just a quick shower, a stop at a gas station for coffee, and we were on our way. Without looking at me, Adam asks, “Did you call the church for the funeral for Aryn?” I hadn’t. I look at him, sigh, and flip open my Motorola Razor. “Hi, this is Maria Hanson and I needed to talk to someone about the music for my baby Aryn’s funeral on Wednesday. If you could call me back that’d be great.”

We’re in the parking lot now, greeting our family that traveled from Connecticut to visit Mom. As we walk towards the entrance of the hospital, my phone rings with an unknown number. “Hello?”

“Hi Maria, this is Aaron. I wanted to call and let you know I’ll be doing the music for the funeral tomorrow. Once I saw it was for you, I didn’t even hesitate.”

“Oh, hi! Thanks so much for doing this!” Aaron was the musician that not only did my wedding earlier that January, but also my brother’s wedding that June. I stepped into the elevator. We spent the remainder of the phone call discussing songs that I would want played.

“Yes, so I’d love ‘Ave Maria’ since you played it at the wedding when we prayed for a fertile marriage, and ‘You Raise Me Up’ because it’s just so beautiful.”

“No problem. And I want you to know that you are in my prayers.” I smile and I close my phone and look at my husband.

“Aaron will be doing the music for the funeral.” He looks back at me, raises an eyebrow and clearly states, “Well that’ll be a trick.”

I shoot back, “No I mean Aaron! Not our Aryn!” Adam smiles. And I laughed with my husband.

Adam and I had just returned to the hospital after going to the funeral home to pick up Aryn once we received a phone call saying his cremation was complete. I was greeted by the somber faces of my family in the familiar waiting room. There weren’t any changes, and Mom was still just as sedated as before. She was a lifeless body with tubes and monitors all over her to indicate otherwise.

Adam and my aching body got out of the chair and walked down the hall with the velvet box in hand. I picked up the ICU phone and the nurse answered. I muttered…something…and the doors opened. We walked to Mom’s room. Mom’s favorite show, House was playing in the background on the TV. I looked down at her hand which has swollen to more than twice its normal size by now. How can this be happening to her? Her long fingernails that had once had the frosty white nail polish I had painted only a week before are bare. The nurse mentioned that they removed it to gage the modeling in her hands.

“Mommy, we brought Aryn in the urn we had picked out last week. It’s pretty and blue with the doves.” I touched her cold hand and turned it around and placed my son’s salt shaker sized urn in her palm. She began to squeeze and her thumb began exploring the intricate grooves on her grandchild that no one had met.

By this time, my sister and brothers joined us in the room. My mother’s face began to express. As we talked and soothed her, we were caught off guard by her beautiful brown eyes opening for the first time in 3 days. My older brother, Billy, took a breath and so purely proclaimed, “There you are, Mom. You’re eyes look so pretty.”

I leaned over and kissed her cheek. As I pulled away, there were beeps and flashing lights on her monitors. As we’re all freaking out, Billy sees the problem. One of her breathing tube connections was disconnected. He quickly sprung into action and put everything back together. Oh my God! I pulled apart her breathing tube! Mom always said I’d be the death of her! We laughed, I apologized, and we moved on.

The next day was Aryn’s funeral. We had an Irish Catholic priest do the service, but he had never met any of us before that day. I felt it was distant, or routine. Until half way through, when he made mention of family and turn to me. He started speaking in Italian. My eyes welled up. “Tua madre (Your mother),” he said. I nodded. My mother never taught me her Italian language growing up, but for some reason, I felt so connected with what the priest was saying. He said a prayer for my sick mother in Italian and I never felt so vulnerable.

The next few days had their ups and downs. My mother opened her eyes a few times, and I connected with my out-of-town family once again. The doctors explained how things had been turning for the worse. That Mom was basically drowning in her own body from the pneumonia. By Saturday morning, we knew what we had to do.

“Maria, are you ready?” Who could ever be ready for this? I sigh and drink the last of my Lord-knows-how-many-this-is-now-coffee. My head was so swollen. The air conditioning in the waiting room had turned my fingers to just the right amount of cold where if I were to hit them on the chair, the pain would be inexplicable.

We all made the last walk to her ICU room. I walked past the staff break room which had that heart wrenching poster that explained what to look for in immediate death. Could this all really be happening?

We got closer to the room and I’m greeted by the familiar sound of the exhausted breathing machine and heart monitor. I started to float away to a time when this wasn’t the reality in my life. A time when I was happy and pregnant and my mother was excited to be a grandmother for the first time. And then I’m interrupted by none other than myself clearing my throat, holding back the tears. “Hi Mom. We’re all here.” Each of her four children grabbed a part of her hands. My father stood by her side, just as he always did. My mother’s last tear rolled hesitantly down her cheek.

That smell of a sterile environment continued to bloat my head. I got up and leaned right into my mother’s left ear, “Mommy, I am so proud of you. Don’t worry about the family. I will take care of them. Dio la benedice.” The doctor who had been trying not to watch this entire time walked in to the machine, looked at my father; who nodded at her, and she turned down the medicine. Mom’s heart went from 80, 20, 120, 4, gone. I let out a scream I thought I abandoned when I was a toddler. My mother died.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007, 12:05 pm

Dio la Benedice, Mom

Amelia MacDonald, 60, of Gilbert AZ passed away on November 17, 2007 surrounded by her loving family. She is survived by her husband, William John MacDonald and her four children, William MacDonald Jr. and his wife Ashlee, Maria Hanson and her husband Adam, Rebecca MacDonald and Michael MacDonald, her sister Angela Eager of Connecticut, niece Laura Newman, and nephews Joseph Altman and Daniel Rouleau, also from Connecticut, and several cousins and aunts from New York.
Amelia was born on December 22, 1946 in Potenza, Italy to the late Attilio and Teresa Saltarelli. She moved to the United States in October 1954 and grew up in Brooklyn, New York where she attended Eastern District High School. She moved to Bridgeport, Connecticut in 1977 and attended Sacred Heart University in Fairfield, CT, earning her Associates Degree in Accounting. In 1979 she met her husband William and married in 1981. Shortly after, they moved to Huntington, CT where they began their family, and moved to Gilbert, AZ in 1997.

Known to her friends as Amy, she was actively involved in and dedicated to all of her children’s activities, and followed their pursuits with passion. She was the principal of religious education for St. Lawrence Church in Huntington, CT for several years, and was active in the Hamilton High Band Booster and Shumway Elementary School PTO. She loved to knit and crochet afghans, doilies, and crafts for her children. She cherished Italian family traditions, cooking her “mean” sauce every Sunday, and maintained Italian customs for herself and her family.

She was a strong believer in family, education, the Catholic religion and standing up for what you believe in, even if you’re standing alone. She follows her first grandchild, Aryn Hanson into heaven who pre-deceased her on November 7, 2007. An inspiration to her children and pillar to her family, she will be remembered and missed dearly.

A memorial service and viewing will be held on Friday, November 23, from 6-9pm at Allen Funeral Home, 1130 S. Horne, Mesa. The funeral service will be held on Saturday, 11am November 24, at St. Anne Catholic Church, 440 E. Elliot Road, Gilbert. Interment will follow the service at Queen of Heaven cemetery, 1500 E. Baseline Road, Mesa.

Happy Heavenly Aryn

2009-11-09T16:53:00.001-07:00

17th Annual Walk to Remember in Mesa, AZ on October 17, 2009

2009-10-19T22:43:00.003-07:00

17th Annual Walk to Remember in Mesa, AZ on October 17, 2009

Does time really heal all wounds?

2009-10-09T16:06:00.005-07:00

I beg to differ. It's almost been 2 years. And I remember it all like yesterday. But I guess, like everything in life, I need to find some sort of lesson in all of this...let me think.

I only have one. LAUGH. Have a sense of humor. How many other people can say that in 1 year. ONE YEAR, that they went from getting married, to being a semester away from graduating college, to getting pregnant, to having your mother being diagnosed with cancer, to finding out your baby died, to your mom dying and your life changed forever. Not many. At least not many that I know. So I'm going to consider myself an expert right now. In coping, depression, stress, marriage, and comedy.

I always loved Adam. I think since high school, I knew we'd be together forever. I didn't know why....but then 2007 happened. As I'm writing this now, I'm remembering my mom back about 2 years ago right before she died saying, "2007 was a bad year...2008 will be better." But I have to really give it to Adam. He stuck by me throughout everything. What a hero. I couldn't have made it without him.

With that being said...back to me being an expert. I don't think you really know if you and someone else are going to "make it" as a couple unless you go though a tough time like we did. And how did we do it? HUMOR. No joke. Even in my darkest time, with my greatest sadness, we had to find a way to laugh.

The week my mom was in the ICU and Aryn had just been delivered, I was on the phone with our musician from the church arranging songs for Aryn's funeral. This man was the same man who did not only my wedding, but my brother's as well. His name happened to be Aaron. After I got off the phone with him I turned to Adam and said, "Aaron is going to do the music for the funeral." Without missing a beat, Adam replied, "Well that's a trick..." And I laughed with my husband.

The day my mom died and we all met back at my parent's house, we all got in a little argument about something. I, finally fed up, yelled,"This isn't even supposed to be happening! Mom's supposed to walk in that door and say, 'Just Kidding!'" We all laughed.

My sister dropped her cell phone in the toilet and had to use my mother's old cell phone to make calls. No one thought this was important to tell me, and when she called my cell and it said, "Mom Calling"...needless to say, my heart skipped a beat. I very quietly and calm answered the phone and said, "...hello???" and it was Rebecca chatting about something...man did I have a good laugh with her about that.

My first Mother's Day without my mom or baby I was explaining to someone how I brought Aryn (he's in an urn) to my mother's grave. They asked how that went, and to which I replied, "Fantastic, we even went to the park and pushed him on the swing!" They were a little confused...and I couldn't stop laughing.

Laughter is what helps heal wounds. Does it still hurt today? OF COURSE! There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about my mom or Aryn. As my friend, Megan, said, you look at your parents as your super hero. That nothing can bring them down. That they can defeat anything. It's just so shocking to see that they really are only human. But allowing myself, my husband, and my family to laugh during our darkest times gave us control again. We went through a month of doctors and statistics and whoever telling us what's happening, what will happen. What they can't tell you is how you'll cope...how you'll react. I chose humor because my husband and I stayed close that way. I chose it because it was my choice. And God might have taken my baby and my mom, but he could not take my sense of humor. Quick side note...I was never mad at God. I actually strengthened my faith during this time.

It's OK to be depressed. It's OK to ask for help. I used medicine and family to help me for a while until I felt strong enough to get off them. I had to take a look at my life and reevaluate it. At the time, school was not a priority. Now, 2 years later, I'm determined to finish. I came out of this, Adam and I came out of this stronger than ever. And because of humor...I can conquer ANYTHING. Bring it.

Aryn's due date is 2 weeks away...

2008-03-01T00:37:00.002-07:00

Its unreal to think how big I should be right now. How I should have already felt the first kicks, decorated the nursery, and had a baby shower. But the anticipation to this due date will not be accompanied by any of those. No no, it will rather be a day where I can't stand to hear a baby cry. I secretly hate every pregnant woman I see. Adam and I plan to try again in a year...it seems so far away. My mother should be here right now, telling me that it was for the best. But no, she is a few miles from my house next to a married couple who passed away 10 years apart. She's down the row from Steve Kraft, who was killed right by my house on his way to work. Why does everyone else's family get through the hard times with those people surviving in the end? Why did my baby have to die? Why did my mother die 10 days later? Why can't I stop thinking about how when I was in the hospital having my baby that I regret not holding my dear Aryn? Why can't I stop thinking about the week my mom was in the ICU? The breathing tubes, the fluid in her lungs, the blessing of my mother at least opening her eyes for me twice before she died.

My baby doesnt get to walk, talk, have a life. Instead he sits on a shelf in my room.

Through this, and after talking to my doctors, we've decided for me to take anti=depressants and sleeping pills for the next few months. Why does everything think its weird that I'm still on the medication in March? Its been only 4 months since my life changed forever! I'd like to meet anyone else who had to deliver a still born one day, take her mother to the hospital with pneumonia 3 days later, have your own baby's funeral 3 days after that, say goodbye to your mom forever 4 days later, and have your mother's funeral a week later. Not many people have gone through this, yet they feel obligated to tell me to get off the meds. Why am I supposed to be happy? Why can't I have a bad day? Why when I find maybe one person that might be able to relate to me am I told that it would probably be best to not talk to this woman about failed pregnancies? Dont you think the one who actually went through the same thing as her would know what to say? I feel like no one wants to hear about Aryn or my mom anymore. Not even my husband.

Now here I am, working like a dog, 9 classes away from graduating, yet still not in school, and feeling more lonely than ever before. When I cry, I can't stop. If this is what I'm feeling March 1, how the hell will I feel on Aryn's due date? Better yet, how will I feel on Mother's Day, as a daughter without a mother and a mother without a child?

Dio la Benedice, Mom

2007-11-20T12:05:00.001-07:00

"A pair of shoes"

2007-11-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown

Aryn J Hanson

2007-11-07T21:36:00.000-07:00

These last 3 days have felt like a blur. Probably due to everything emotionally, and the medicine. It was a lot of work. First, we used citosin to get me to get contractions. By evening of the 2nd night, I started getting little ones. Around 1am today I was switched to a more aggressive medicine. I conracted for the next 9 hours. At 10:08, I delivered Aryn. 9 1/2 inches tall 290 grams. So beautiful. 10 fingers, 10 toes. Aryn had Adam's lips. The hospital was wonderful. They were very caring, and thougful, and went out of their way to make me and my family comfortable. They put this picture of the leaf and tear drop on my door so all doctors and nurses knew what was going on. Our parents contacted the Queen of Heaven mortuary for us.

Delivering Aryn was so hard. I chose to not do an epidural, (I have this horrible fear of needels anywhere near my spine) and used other medications to ease the pain. My body hurts all over, and to top it off, my heart aches. I begged to be released that day. I did not want to stay where other moms were enjoying the delivery of their babies. Maybe I was jealous, or angry, or just too sad. Either way, I'm glad to be home.

"The distance between joy and sorrow can be measured by a heartbeat."

Reading about it soothes me

2007-11-02T16:55:00.000-07:00

hmph....

He's gone...

2007-11-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

I knew the answer. I told him it was ok to let go. We listened for the heartbeat, there was none. Checked for heart activity on the ultrasound, there was none. I will be induced and deliver on Monday.

Pregnant today

2007-11-01T18:09:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow will take forever to come
We will see if we continue, or if we are done
I might hear your heart, and I'll sigh with relief
Or I might hear nothing, to which I will grieve
It will be the loudest silence I'll have to endure
I'll ask to listen again, just to be sure
You tickled my belly, I rubbed you so
We knew each other; every high and every low
I close my eyes and think of you
You'll be with God, that is true
I can't understand why it has to be
I can't understand why you can't be with me
Its hard to know that I couldn't protect you
As your mother, I failed to perfect you
I know I'll see every night in my dreams
Sometimes that won't be good enough, and I'll want to scream
I know some people say its better this way
But what do they know? Its us who has to pay
I'm hours away from knowing our fate
And when that hour comes, my heart will hurt great
Until then I'll rub my belly and pretend you are ok
And enjoy these last moments of being pregnant today

14 weeks ago

2007-10-31T18:28:00.000-07:00

My 6 week Ultra Sound. Look at that beautiful baby. I know its a little blurry (and sideways), I took a picture of the picture they gave me with my camera phone.

Irony

2007-10-31T00:23:00.000-07:00

Went to my PGS 222 class today. We got to see a video. Guess what it was about. Childbirth. Fantastic. All my classmates were so disgusted. I wanted to yell at them. I wanted to shout, "At least these women are able to take their babies home, feed them, change them!" I know they did not mean harm, but damn that's ironic.

Back to school

2007-10-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day back to classes since learning my news. I've talked to all my teachers, they are all aware. However, the first thing the people that know me in class ask, "How's Baby doing?" and its going to hurt so bad to tell them, "Well, actually..."

Its going to be the longest 6 hours of my life.

I've stopped paying attention to feeling for movement. Not that I've lost faith, but I've talked to my baby. I told him its OK to let go. Adam and I think that he was still holding on as long as he did just so Adam and I can learn what was happening.

I went to my OB yesterday to drop off Adam's FMLA paperwork. I sooo wanted them to check the heartbeat right then and there. But they didn't check. So now I still wait until Friday...the longest week ever.

The background

2007-10-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

Back in July of this year, I had a funny feeling. Not a physical one. But one of those "intuitions" your mother gets when you're up to something. The next day, I took a pregnancy test, and found it to be positive. One of the best surprises of my life, hands down. Giddy with excitement, I waited for Adam to come home to share with him the news. He, also, was surprised, but was happy. That night I left a message for my OB/GYN to schedule an appointment to confirm the pregnancy. I couldn't wait.

The next day I went in, and of course, I was indeed pregnant! My due date was set at March 19, 2008. I thought to myself, how funny, its my brother's birthday.

The first trimester went on smoothly. I shared my news with everyone I knew, and even people I didn't know. Each week I'd read about what was developing with my baby. His ears, his fingernails, his sucking reflex. I decided to be surprised about the sex, so we just say he for wishful thinking. Every day someone asked me how the pregnancy is going, and I would tell them how great it is.

Upon entering my 19th week, I went to the lab to get my blood testing done. A few days later, I received a call from my OB. I couldn't quite remember the exact details, something about low AFP and possible risk for Downs Syndrome. He recommended a Level 2 ultrasound. I was reassured by many mothers that they too had low AFPs and their children turned out fine. relieved, I went to my ultrasound the next day with Adam.

As soon at the technician turned on the screen, her smile faded. "This isn't good." she says. She noticed the left kidney wasn't working and couldn't find a bladder. As she's apologizing over and over (its not like it was her fault), I lay on the chair, squeezing Adam's hand and watching him brush away a tear.

When the doctor came in, he explained that because the left kidney isn't working and there is probably no bladder, that there is virtually no Amniotic Fluid around the baby. He mentioned fluid build up around organs, which suggests heart failure.

This was totally unexpected. I was ready to have a child with Downs, but I was not ready to let go of my child so soon. Before I could hear them cry, laugh, look at me. A lot of people tell me that at least its happening before I give birth, and I can't really compare, because this is my first, but all you moms out there will agree, there is a special bonding that happens as soon as you know there is a special people growing inside of you. I would think that this is just as painful. Parents should never have to say goodbye to their children this way.

Our choice is to let the heartbeat stop on its own. We will listen for it every Friday. After that, I will be induced and deliver.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Usually, after you deliver, you get to take your child home to their nursery, and watch them grow. And I can't.

This blog is meant for my therapy, and for all who are supportive to get a chance to be a part of this process of healing. I know we all were looking forward to this special child's big debut, and I know it hurts you all to have to hear this too.